IBTET: Internal
meeting transcript (continued). Recommences 15:45, 23/11/16.
D: Returning to deliberations.
P: Are we all chilled, relaxed,
and non-violent?
W: Two out of three. Do you want
to push me on the third?
P: So what’s next on the list?
F: Good call.
W: The next one is Religion.
F: I liked that application.
Not so much a naturally-occurring catastrophic force, but a good one
nonetheless.
P: I liked the irony in
Religion riding out in an event that only religious people believe in.
D: Conflict of interest?
F: You think there could be?
W: Maybe not. Or not one that matters.
At worst, it would want to make the most of the End Times, prove itself right
to all the non-believers. I wouldn’t turn anyone away for being keen.
P: How about sparing some of
the believers?
W: Everyone disbelieves at least
one religion. I think we’d be fine.
F: The portfolio is amazing. I
didn’t know that about the Catholic Church and the fork.
P: I don’t think it ‘forbade’
the use of forks. That seems a bit exaggerated. Although I’m sure it held back
the uptake of a new-fangled technology, like a good religion ought to do.
W: Not the best example it could
have chosen for why it’s a dark and destructive aspect of human nature, though.
P: Do you think? I think it’s
pretty clever. Sure, it’s got the crusades, and various rounds of genocide, but
not only does the story about the fork show how much power Religion has, but it
also cheered me up when I read it, which is no mean feat in a job application.
W: That’s true… Religion is good
at thinking for people, which is one of the best ways to control them. It
clearly has experience leading armies and working as a team.
F: Organised religion generally
has a decent number of people at the top, and they must be able to work
together some of the time.
W: And the flaming sword… it’s
shown how many religions use fire in their ceremonies, and how many use swords.
I think it would be okay there.
D: Decide on interview.
P: I think we should interview.
F: So do I.
W: And I.
D: Agreed.
W: Good. A nice easy one to kick
back off with. This isn’t going to last.
P: Considering the three we
have left, that’s a good call.
---
F: So what are we braving next?
W: Capitalism.
F: Ugh.
P: Everyone loves buying things
so they can pretend they’re much richer than they really are. It’s a time
honoured tradition.
W: It’s using Black Friday as
it’s big selling point.
P: Which is vicious.
W: But relatively modern.
F: There’s a lot of slaves and
sweat-shops in there too. It’s not all new.
D: Discuss the competencies.
P: Uh…
F: Well, it’s got a pretty
nasty side to it. Competition and all that.
W: One-upmanship. I doubt that
will work well in a team, or at the head of an army.
F: Wait. Is it going to expect
us to start paying for our equipment?
W: We are not putting it in
charge of managing the weapons store if it does. I won’t pay for anything I can
prise out of the cold, dead grip of an enemy, thank you very much.
F: Not interviewing. Not a
chance.
P: Just on the basis of
something it might do, or might not?
F: Yup.
P: It’s got the modern side of
it, which is something we need.
F: You know what happens with
Capitalism, though, don’t you? It tries to make things on the cheap and sell
them for more than they’re worth. We’ll end up with flaming swords that flame
for half an hour then burn through the hilt and set fire to your vest.
P: Or canteen food that looks
amazing, but actually is half reclaimed ‘meat’ and half sawdust, and doesn’t
actually have any nutritional value.
F: [Pause] Okay, so there’s
some points in its favour, but I still don’t think it has the proper gravitas
to be one of us.
W: That, I agree with. It might
be up to date, but I’m not convinced it can survive for that long in its
current form. People might change their minds tomorrow and decide Capitalism
isn’t the way to go, and then we’d be stuck with an out-dated horseperson.
P: That’s a good point.
Alright, I agree. Let’s not interview.
W: Good. Death? Do you want to
interview Capitalism?
D: No.
P: That’s consensus. Again.
Does anyone else feel a bit uncomfortable with how much agreement is going on
right now?
F: Don’t look a gift horse in
the mouth.
---
W: Next on the list is Cancer.
[Long Pause]
D: Interview.
F: Really? After all the
level-headed 'talk it though' attitude, that's what you come out with?
D: Old friend.
P: Creepy.
W: I’ll admit I didn’t read the
application cover to cover.
F: Did any of us? I felt ill
just browsing through it.
P: It was just a list of names.
Wasn’t that impressive.
F: It was a long list of names.
I can’t believe Employment made three copies of it. We must have obliterated a
small rainforest.
W: I like that it isn’t just
people it’s killed, but also people it’s taken over the lives of.
F: I had to put it on the floor
because it was making my desk bow.
W: Focus, Famine.
P: When you get right down to
it, though, it’s just an aspect of me.
W: It’s more than that.
P: It’s a sickness. A disease.
That’s me.
F: But it spreads. Like, it
only has to affect one person directly, and it gets all their family, their
friends, their colleagues…
P: I can do that.
W: Don’t pout, it’s not a good
look on you. I agree with Famine, it’s developed beyond an illness that can be
grouped together with everything else you own. It’s an aspect all by itself.
P: How about we look at the
competencies, since Death doesn’t want to give us any impartial guidance on
this one.
D: Interview.
W: It’s dark and destructive.
F: Catastrophic.
W: Up-to-date, too, since humans
are spending so much time and money on developing treatments.
P: It doesn’t say any of that
in the application.
F: It doesn’t really need to,
Pestilence. It’s Cancer. I’d have been impressed if it had just written
‘Cancer’ in the middle of a sheet of paper and handed that in.
P: Bet it can’t handle a
flaming sword.
W: Neither can you.
P: I’ve been working on it!
Don’t you complain about my flaming sword work when you won’t even make time to
help me out. I can’t believe you even brought it up. That’s heartless.
F: I’m leaning towards
interview.
W: So am I.
P: No. I won’t agree.
F: It doesn’t make any
difference if you agree or not. Three-to-one, we’re interviewing.
---
W: Keep it together, guys. This
is the last one. Fashion.
F: I’m not sure why we have an
application from Fashion.
P: Better that than Cancer…
F: Will you shut up? We’ve
moved on. Think about Fashion.
W: On the plus side, it makes a
fairly good case for deaths caused by the desire to be fashionable.
P: Sure, but as they tip over
from fashion to death, they tend to fall into either my realm or Famine’s.
Starving to death, giving yourself a completely preventable dietary deficiency,
starving small children in a third world country because feeding them would
make your clothes too expensive… we’ve already got those things covered.
W: And this time I’m behind you
using that as an excuse.
P: All it’s got going for it
are things like operations gone wrong, jealousy, or those stupid accidents
people have whilst wearing something completely inappropriate. It’s a bit
unimpressive.
F: And it tips over in
Capitalism as well, which we’ve already said is not to our standard.
W: Do we have anything else to
say in favour of Fashion? Death, you’ve been quiet on this one.
D: Accomplishments are minimal.
W: I agree. As far as I’m
concerned, Fashion has the makings of something destructive, but it isn’t a
properly independent destructive aspect of human nature.
F: Are we ending on consensus
again, then? No interview for Fashion?
P: No interview.
W: I don’t like how many of these
we’ve all agreed on, but yeah, we’re not interviewing Fashion.
D: Agreed.
W: Well. That’s it, no more
applications left, and four on the interview pile. Stupidity, Gluttony,
Religion, and Cancer. That’s a manageable number.
F: When are the interviews?
W: Week of the 5th,
according to the application.
P: Aren’t they trying to pin us
down for the 7th?
W: They are, but it’s the
anniversary of Pearl Harbour, and I want to celebrate.
F: You mean commemorate?
W: No. I have a bottle of
Hawaiian Moonshine and a bottle of Sake, and I’m going to see which makes me
fall over first.
P: Maybe this is the point we
should turn the tape recorder off?
W: If you like. If there’s world
peace on the 8th, you’ll know what happened.
[End transcript, 16:34.]
[End Part 3.]
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