The Fourth Horseman - Pre-Interview Part 2

IBTET: Internal meeting transcript. Begins 14:12, 23/11/16.

P:    Did you just put a tape recorder on?

D:   Records must be kept to ensure due diligence.

P:    So whatever we say will be recorded for posterity?

W:  Or as a warning to others.

F:    Don’t worry about it, Pestilence. Anyone listening back to it will know what you’re like, so just be your normal, effluviant self.

D:   Turning attention to the applications.

W:  Yes. The first one on my pile is from the manifestation of Health and Safety.

F:    Everyone hates Health and Safety.

P:    Not exactly deadly, though, is it? More sort of the opposite.

W:  It depends. I’ve seen what really angry people can do, and over-enforced Health and Safety is enough to make anyone really angry.

P:    Can I check something? Is this application for one manifestation, or two working together? I couldn’t quite tell.

D:   The application is for two to work as one.

P:    Like, as a job share?

F:    Modern.

P:    Well that’s not going to work, is it? We’d be the five horsemen of the apocalypse. Or the three permanent horsemen and the one interchangeable horseman. And I don’t fancy riding out with ‘Health’ at my side. Sort of undermines our branding.

W:  They’d be fine with managing the flaming swords. No unintended injuries there.

P:    You’re not wanting to interview them, are you?

W:  And ride out for the End Times next to ‘Safety’? Not a chance. But we’ve got to have a balanced discussion.

P:    We are. We’re balancing the application against what we’re looking for in a horseperson. It’s not my fault it doesn’t balance well.

F:    If I can interrupt…? I think we can sum this up pretty well. Health and Safety matches some of the qualities we’re looking for, and their names strike terror into the hearts of mortals, but their general abilities don’t come across as catastrophic enough for our needs. Does that sound about right?

W:  That’ll do.

D:   Decline for interview?

W:  Yes.

P:    Absolutely.

F:    Yep. They’re not for us.

D:   Decided.

---

W:  Alright. Moving on to [pause] Stupidity.

P:    Oh boy.

F:    The entire application is just hideous, but…

P:    Yeah, there’s something uncomfortably good about it.

D:   Is there demonstration of the required skills?

W:  No.

P:    I wouldn’t be so hasty. Stupidity is a catastrophic force of nature, and it had a really strong portfolio.

W:  It will be dead within the first day, and I will not be held responsible for that.

F:    Obviously we’re going to have to make some adjustments to our working practice. We’ve been a team for a long time, and getting on with someone new will take a little while.

W:  It will be dead within the first day, and I will not be held responsible.

P:    Okay, I think we’re getting a pretty clear message there, War. Something to put on the Cons list – unlikely to get on well in a team.

D:   Consider the portfolio.

F:    It would make for a long read if there was any kind of detail in it. Or descriptions. Or anything other than ‘I worked on the UK referendum for months, and if that doesn’t get me the job, then you’re all idiots’.

P:    Granted, the detail is lacking, but there’s references to a hell of a lot of stuff. The Dark Ages in Europe, Australia in 1932, the US elections. If you look into it, Stupidity has been everywhere and done everything.

W:  But we have to look into it. It’s not capable of explaining itself.

P:    We all have our quirks. Death sounds like a badly programmed AI. Arguments with you tend to lead to a new round of employment and awkward conversations with surviving family members. Famine puts food off, which is why it's never invited to the Christmas party...

F:    That's not a good enough reason. You could just not have food at the party.

P:    Who has a Christmas party without food?

F:    Lots of people have Christmas parties without food. You just don't want me th...

W:  Children! Enough arguing. You're only proving the point - there's enough stupidity on this team without adding more.

P:    I think we should interview.

W:  No.

F:    I'm in no mood to be agreeing with you, Pestilence, but... I think we should interview as well.

W:  Death? Casting vote - what do you want to do?

D:   Qualities are suitable. Interview.

W: [Censored]

P:    It's alright. I bet Stupidity's better in person.

W:  Have you even considered it holding a flaming sword?

P:    That would look amazing on its llama.

[Pause]

P:    Because you all looked at the photo attached to the cover letter, didn't you?

W:  What llama?

F:    Oh fiery inferno of Hell, it's a llama!

W:  I wasn't sent a photo. Show me.

P:    Weren't you even a bit suspicious when you read the cover letter?

W:  Constantly. Which bit?

P:    Here. [Reading from application.] "Transport is not a problem – I bought a horse the other day, so I’ll fit right in, although you guys will be jealous as hell because it’s a special breed. I’m sending a photo with my application." Blah, blah, blah... "The guy I bought it from said it’s a Lesser Lower-Andes Mountain Artiodactyl breed. She’s called Shirley."

F:    Wow.

P:    Shirley. Like... Shirley that's a llama? No?

W:  It didn't notice that it had bought a llama?

P:    Neither did you.

[Censored]

P:    ...not efen goig to apologise?

W:  Stop playing up to it. Your lip's barely even bleeding.

P:    Your idea of barely bleeding and my idea of barely bleeding are very different.

D:   Arrange cleaners for the break. Consider the next applicant now.

---

W:  Yes, thank you. The next one on my list is Gluttony.

F:    If War gets to veto Stupidity, I get to veto Gluttony. Not interviewing.

P:    I liked the application.

F:    You would.

D:   Discuss the specifics.

W:  It's subtle, but pervasive. And it's a relatively new thing, which might help drag some of us kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

F:    If you've got something to say to me, War, just come out and say it.

W:  You're old fashioned.

F:    I am not. There are plenty of people still dying of starvation - more than there are dying from 'over-eating'.

P:    But, obesity-related illnesses are definitely on the rise. If we're going to stay current, it might not be a bad idea to recognise that.

F:    Illnesses. Not deaths. It's not relevant.

W:  Illnesses leading to early deaths. Like I said, it's subtle, but it definitely contributes.

F:    I don't think the 4 horsemen should ever be accused of being subtle.

W:  Now that's a fair point.

D:   Experience is minimal.

P:    Yeah, that's true. There's the odd mortal here and there through the centuries that was successful enough to become a glutton, but most of it's experience is pretty recent.

F:    And not fatal. Which is kind of the point of us. And before you repeat yourself, weight-related illnesses probably falls under Pestilence's remit.

P:    A lot of stuff does. We all share activities already. Famine leads to War, which leads to me, and we all lead to Death. We're all intertwined like that, and Gluttony fits in pretty well. I vote to interview.

F:    Please don't do that. War, Death, back me up. It's going to cancel me out.

W:  Then you'll have to try harder. I vote to interview.

F:    Screw you.

W:  I will happily introduce your face to the floor like I did Pestilence's. You just have to push.

F:    I'm actually okay with my face the shape it is, thanks.

W:  Death, what're your thoughts? Interview or not?

D:   Interview.

F:    God damn it.

W:  Don't swear. Gluttony goes on the interview list. Onto the next one.

F:    Can we take a break? I'd like to get the cleaners in - I know Pestilence oozes all the time anyway, but seeing all this blood is putting me on edge.

W:  You're such a child. One more and we're half way through. Suck it up until then.

P:    I quite like it, actually.

---

W:  Shut up. We've got Human Resources up next.

P:    Evil. Very evil. We should give it a chance.

F:    Agreed.

D:   Discuss the application.

P:    Really? Because everyone hates HR, even the people that work in it. I think it'd be perfect.

D:   Assess skills and qualities described.

F:    Alright. It's dark and destructive, and will probably be a pretty good leader.

W:  Why do you say that?

F:    Humans are still using it, despite the universal hatred. It's got a handle on them.

W:  Humans are masochistic, though. And can you imagine riding out on the big day? War, Famine, Pestilence, and Human Resources? The humans wouldn't even notice the world ending, they'd be so busy laughing.

P:    That's a good point. Not so much a catastrophic force of nature, is it? What would it do, paperwork people to death?

F:    It would work, but it’s not quick.

W:  It wasn’t the best application. There was a lot of detail there, but I didn’t feel like it meant much. It was like reading the terms of engagement for hiring a lawyer.

P:    Soulless.

F:    That’s a check on the ‘Pros’ list.

W:  And when we do ride out? How long will it take to organise its transport? Sure, it controls the carpools for every major and minor company out there, but think of the bureaucracy involved. We’d have to delay the End of the World for a week to get the paperwork through.

F:    And that’s several checks on the ‘Cons’ list.

P:    I think we should interview anyway. It contributes to such a seething undercurrent of hatred and anger in the human race we ought to give it a chance.

F:    Yeah, I agree. My blood’s boiling just thinking about it.

W:  You’re doing this because you hate me, aren’t you? We’re not interviewing Human Resources. Death, back me up.

D:   Decline to interview.

W:  Thank you.

F:    That’s still 2 against 2. What happens now?

D:   To be reconsidered if sufficient applicants are not found.

F:    Alright. Putting it on the ‘maybe’ pile. Can we go for a break now? If not for me, then at least to let War cool down.

W:  I’m cool. But yes, we’ll break now. Back here in half an hour.

[End Part 2. Continue Part 3.]